*let go*

in about 4 days, i'll be back to work. is that what made me sleep until 10am today? does my body know that i will not have unrushed mornings, or showers at 2pm, following my midday nap? does my brain know that i cannot go anymore without knowing what's happening in the world?

i am burdened with sadness and guilt. i love my children, but it is time my youngest, a precocious 2 1/2 year-old, venture to pre-school. he needs little friends his own age, some lessons in turn-taking and waiting. his sister needs a place to run out the wiggles, flaunt her bad attitude, and learn the ways of the world.

i love being home with the kids. we have our own schedule, decide if we want to stay in our jammies all day, and (sometimes) eat ice cream for breakfast!! we lounge around the living room floor, play with our Little People and dance to music. life is sometimes slow, sometimes fast...but always fun. of course, they get into trouble, frustrate me, but we work things out. i enjoy being able to be there 24/7; deciding how we will respond to each and every situation that happens. now, i have to turn over the reigns.

and this is where my sadness lies: i have to give up control.

no more choosing what to say and how to say it. my kids will now have someone else teaching them. how do other moms do it? i'm scared to drop them off, no matter that "the Academy" comes highly recommended and is lauded by my community. i shudder to think that something terrible may happen or that GASP! my child learn something i probably wouldn't have wanted them to learn!

...sigh...

there will always be little friends who don't make the best choices, i know that. we can't shield them from those experiences. i've been told, "equip your children with the tools to deal with these kinds of folks."

so i prepare to hand them over to other people for a few hours everyday. "it will be good for them," i keep telling myself. "they need this experience..."

i'm not convinced yet.